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ok, sorry all doom and gloom last post. i was really upset and it just spewed out my fingers.

last night was the perfect cure for a broken heart.

let's start where it began: the beginning.

sarah texted me at work on saturday to tell me that stephen kellogg and the sixers were doing a show of just their stuff at the Handlebar in greenville for 10 bucks. we were so there! and we got my friend jackie and her friends sharon (who it turned out i knew!) and "cheez" to come with us.

the show was, in a word, awesome. they sang a bunch of songs i lovelovelove and we were right up at stage level because there were MAYBE 80 people there. no kidding. it was really under the radar and perfect. they came out for 2 encores and asked what we wanted to hear. sarah and i screamed "big easy" and they played it! it was awesome. we knew all the words and the dance which was so fun. and everyone was like "weirdos, they actually know this stuff" but it was too fun to care.

we hung out after the show and talked to the merch guy and then finally boots and cookiedough. well, more boots. he's sweet. shy, but really cool. i got my picture taken with him, which was so fun. then, we went over to stephen. i started talking to him about connecticut because we're both from there (and jackie too). it was cool. then i got the autograph and pic with him.

and i made a request.

i explained that fat bottomed girls is the best song ever and i had seen them sing it on youtube. well, i asked if they could sing it either in asheville or durham because i was going to those shows and was really excited to see them. i told him he was free to ignore the request and i would totally understand. he was like "it's been a long time since we've sung that. i dont know, we'll see. you'll be in asheville and durham? hm... okay, well we'll see you there." then, sarah asked if he could say happy birthday to her 17 year old sister who loves him, and he totally did it. what a great guy!!!
so, yesterday, we went on the walk, barefooted!!!, in asheville. it was really cool. we were near zac and taylor the whole time, but we didnt get to talk because some girls are RUDE. and ultimately, i wasn't on the walk for hanson. i was there to help raise awareness for poverty in africa and take one step toward making a difference in this world.

we waited to get into the show and were pretty close because we took the walk. well, we only wanted to be that close until the sixers (SK6ers) were done, then we would get out of the madness. these 2 girls in front of me, though, were SELFISH B*****S!!! i asked if they could switch spots so i could actually SEE the stage, and they were like "no. i'll move my head. maybe."  JERKS. and snotty, too. then, they started dancing and this girl's big ole mary-kay bag was slamming me in the stomach. i was pissed.

kate vogel was a waste of time as always.

the sk6ers were fabulous. they were charming, wonderful, sweet. and, taylor came out on stage and sang a super special fool's banquet song for us. it was cool.

then.

they were like "thanks for coming out to the show. we're the sk6ers, we'll be at our table, we'd love to meet you. now, this song is a special request, and so i hope you like it."

THEY SANG FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS!!! JUST FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can hear me screeching on my video i took, and i was screaming "thank you!!!!!"

we went to the merch table and when stephen came out, he took one look at me, grabbed my hands gently and told me "that was just for you."

oh. my. WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i kept saying thanks while sarah got a pic of herself with goose and stephen. and i didn't hear it, but sarah said he replied, "it was no problem it actually fit in perfectly with our set tonight, so thank you."

i was melting. that was THE sweetest thing anyone has EVER done for me. it meant the absolute WORLD to me. sarah was so ecstatic too, because she had witnessed the whole thing.

needless to say, new fav band, the sk6ers. no contest.

well then, hanson got on stage. and they were great! the crowd was really amazing, and they played a long set, including "georgia" which sarah has been dying to see performed. and i loved "runaway run" it's a personal favorite. THEN, they kept honoring requests made for them by several fans. but nothing as special as fat bottomed girls from the sk6ers to me. well, they wound up playing 2 encore songs, including one they have only sung ONCE. it's a h.net members only new song that noone has heard yet!!!!!!!!! and it was sung with stephen kellogg!!! and then they got all the sk6ers out to sing "long way to the top" which was great, even though i dont care for the song (sorry joy). and taylor and boots were banging their tambourines together which was so fun!!! and they closed out the show and told us we were one of the best crowds.

curtains. so to speak.

it was AWESOME. freaking loved the show. we were going to wait at the buses for hanson's autographs since we got shafted in illinois, but my feet and back hurt so bad i was doubled over with the pain. but every pin and ever needle was WORTH IT.

i am going to upload pics and you should see them. you can hear me scream like i'm a crazy woman in labor!

wow, quoting a hanson song circa 1995. im lame.

i uploaded my pics to my gmail picasa photo album.

you know you wanna see em

ill post some under the cut(if it works, which i am not hopeful about), but there are plenty more where these came from, including videos i was supposed to, um, not take. stupid nazi lady. i put these up to spite her!!!

( nah nah na na na na been there before )

i am back from ohio/illinois. and i think i got food poisoning. i have been feeling awful since last night, and i threw up this morning. my boss graciously let me take the day off. i worked a whopping 2 hours and 6 minutes.

here's the trip run down

we got in at 1 am friday morning. we slept til 7:30 when christina told us there was a problem with the note to get her out of school early. her mom had written a new one. we got her to "lose" the new one and jot one down like the original. this note got her out early with no real specifics on if she's return that day.

needless to say, we were awake. which made sarah mad. she's a sleep-in kinda gal, but between christina's trauma and the doorbell ringing for the first time in 12 years, we were up. we vegged all morning then picked christina up from school. we got chipotle for lunch and picked up sarah's best friend, consequently named sarah. then we hit the road.

for 6 more hours.

but we hit central time and gained an hour, which allowed up some breathing room and time to check into the hotel and feel better about the travel grime.

we parked in the event lot. we got lost trying to find a free lot. bloomington, il, is not an easy city.

we were in the 4th row on the end, on the floor. fabulous.

kate voegle was ok. not a huge fan of hers.

6ers were HILARIOUS. stephen kellogg and ethan could be twins! they came and got girls from the audience to go on stage. pretty funny. we had these skank whores in the frotn row, though, who were trying to flirt their friends to the floor level. it was nasty. and one chick was about to break a rule... no flash. ok, so it applied to cameras, but she was about to bust out of her barely-there tube top. sick.

hanson came on not that late. sarah got lectured for videoing by nazi event lady. she was a real ritalin sniffer.
their set was short. only like an hour and 10 minutes. and they sang random songs. they didnt even sing Go. they got mmmbop and never been to spain, but it seemed like something was wrong. they were out of it, and cut the show really short. talk about a let down. 15 hours of driving for a let down. it was worth it, because hanson's ALWAYS worth it, but it was disappointing. and we got to wait at the buses, which i have waited 11 years to do, and they didn't sign autographs. and i was the the front and would have gotten one. i wanted to cry but i didnt want to be the loser. so, we went to steak and shake and got dinner & shakes.

we crashed for the night, got up, and drove back to ohio. (by the way, if someone orders coffee at a drive through and want cream and sugar, the person should PUT IT IN FOR THAT PERSON. geez. i burned my leg.)

we crashed at sarah's for the rest of saturday, went to church on sunday, ate lunch, and hit the road.

around 9 pm i started feeling gross. i napped to see if it helped.
it didn't.
i almost puked in the grass outside work today, but i made it to the barthroom.
i did my paperwork and now i am home.
and uploading hanson pics.
and videos i got regardless of that horrific woman.
and getting excited for joy's wedding next may.

i am hoping my friend jackie can take me out to the mall to get a haircut tonight. i know it's not that long (it isn't even to my shoulders) but it's at the point where it pisses me off with how it flips out. grah. and i want it cute for my trip to ohio/ illinois to see my loves.

speaking of, they have the funniest FUTY ever up. i almost peed my pants. calling zac (zachary) zuh-shar-ee, and then taylor mocking the lady by mis pronunciating (or as he says mis proNOUNCE -ee-ate-ing) everything. and the whole "it's algonquin for the good land" gets me everytime.

ah

i am a hanson dork. :)

maybe if you're good, ill post a pic of my new 'do. if i get a new 'do...

i purposefully got lost today. i took random streets, not paying attention. and, true to my odd sense of direction & the nature of greenville

i ended up exactly where i started.

i went in a big circle. unintentionally. but i guess it good cuz now i know i can get back from where i got lost. but i was hoping to get really lost. there was good music, nice sunny weather my pasty skin welcomed... but my shoes tore my feet up. in less than 40 minutes.

today's my last day of work off before i go to ohio. which means i am working the next 7 days straight.
woo. hoo.

but i'm really excited about ohio. this time next week i will be on the road with sarah and it's gonna be AWESOME.

and i get to see my boys in 8 days. taylor. zac. i'm even excited to see isaac. i love them mucho.

lately, things have changed. like drastically.

one girl i always looked up to because she had such high morals and standards is now unmarried and pregnant. she is engaged, but this girl was die-hard about not sleeping with anyone before marriage. i know a lot of people get pregnant before getting married, and some never marry at all. but this girl refused to be one of those and now she's knocked up. she once told me the first guy she would kiss would be the guy she marries. and she wasn't 5 when she said it, more like 17. and dead sincere about it. another friend tried to justify this all by saying people make mistakes, which is beyond true. i constantly fail. but this girl was strong in her beliefs and actually encouraged me to change my life around and get it right, and now she's thrown her standards out the window. sold out for fifteen minutes of pleasure. im not trying to be a b***h, because many a friend of mine has found herself in this spot, but i have no respect for this girl anymore. she basically sold out.

my best friend since i was 13 is engaged. and we never talk. and i miss her so freaking much.

my best friend this past year is not the same person i got to know a year ago. he's a complete butthead. and i cant figure out how to talk to him.

my closest former roommate has been distant and grumpy. and her boyfriend slowly pulls her down a depressive tunnel i've watched her go before with a different boyfriend.

and me. what the heck is different with me?
i dont smile as much.
i dont laugh as much.
i feel like crying at least once a day
the thought of spending time with people emotionally drains me
i dont go out
i drink too much coffee

but i am still the fat ugly dork i was in high school, only fatter and probably even uglier. and i miss my friends. i miss having someone to talk to other than my roommate who is stuck with me without a choice. i bug her, and i feel bad. but she's the only who talks back anymore.

my apartment is a disaster. we have been playing the ps2 a lot so there are cords everywhere. and i have done dishes over and over and our counter still looks messy. and since i sleep on the couch, the "slip cover" tapestry is in disarray.

not to mention my room looks like my drawers and storage things have exploded.

and we could us to vacuum.

sigh. i hate how it's never done. and how i cant stand it.

this is not how i want to spend my day off. i could really use some coffee... maybe that's what i'll do next.


so about the ps2. High School Musical Sing It! is so much fun. it truly is. and guitar hero makes me sick. i think the motion of the notes makes my eye freak out. i get dizzy and nauseated. so i spent 100 bucks for my friend and her brother to come over and take over my living room. yay.

havent played sing star yet. im excited for the 90s one coming out. if only there was some hanson on there.

ok, when i see them in april in illinois (yeah driving over 15 hours for it-- jealous???) we are sitting in the FOURTH ROW! WOOHOO! i made it to the second row when i saw them in wallingford, but fourth row is amazing! and we even got 4 tickets there!

when i see them in asheville (i will feign sick if necessary so i can take the walk with them), it's an open-standing-type place. glorified bar, really. like in charlotte. it will be great to walk with them. NOTE TO SELF remember to wear toms and charge batteries in camera :)

i am in the process of buying tickets for durham. stupid website lied to us. said presale was at 2. now it's five. guaranteed, they say. i hope we can get seats even closer than 4th row. or anything comparable to that is amazing. hanson is amazing, duh.

i kinda want to skip work on hanson day and see them in myrtle beach. that would mean 3 shows in 3 days. oh yeah, freaking amazing. four shows within a 6 month period? h.e.a.v.e.n.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im a loser :) but at least i can admit to it!

i got up at 8 and went to the doctor. she thinks i've been emotionally abused and have blood pressure issues. she wants me to look up signs of an abusive relationship.

the i worked. and my girl wouldnt leave so i could.

then i came home and the flutes were going again. so i wrote a note, probably harsher than i should have, and taped it to her door on behalf of our hall. and she came knocking and told me i was acting like an unsaved jerk. and that she can't do anything about giving lessons in her apartment. and i just pretty much have to learn to deal with it. and now i feel like this mondo b***h just because i dont want to hear the flute anymore. i have hated flutes my whole life and am coming to hate floutists too...

i do not believe in valentine's day. it's a fake holiday that is ridiculous. i feel like a Bolivian at Thanksgiving. Pretty much, Feb 14 is Feb 14. nothing special. except my bestest girl's birthday is today.

the irony is... i had to go to the cardiologist today. on the 14th. a heart doctor. on "valentine's." but yeah, i am on a heart monitor for 24 hours. the pads are itching like a mad fiend. and i know this test, too, is pointless. my doctor has zero clue what is wrong with me. i still dont know. sigh. whatever.

go see jumper. <3

my mri came back normal. nothing is wrong physically with my brain. now i am back at square one -- what the heck is wrong with me???

found a new love tonight. julio godoy of pensive. ooh, actually, the bass player won my <3 b/c he has hanson on his ipod. instand respect. but julio spoke french. that was happiness. but you should check out pensive -- the songs without you here & live fast (i think that's the title) are amazing.

guess what? i DO have a brain! it's amazing, but true! i had my MRI today. all went well, i should get results on monday. and i have felt less dizzy today which is wonderful. the only thing i hated with the MRI was the shot of contrast. she found a vein and when she stuck me, it ran away! so she had to stick me again. and i ruined her record for the day b/c she hadn't missed a stick that day. she was friendly, i liked her. i told her how the beeping noises made me feel like mr. pac man. im a loser, i know. and while i was in there i sang the first three songs of Hanson's Underneath in my head :) so fun.

after the mri, sarah and i went to panera for lunch. i adore panera. it was so tasty heavenliness. i got a frontega chicken panini with a baguette (mmmmm), and a Jones' Strawberry Manilow. it has blackberry in it! yippee!!! and the sugar gave me quite the buzz; i'm still humming :) it was the best juice ever. i should buy it in bulk. yummmm.
see? still humming!

going to a show tomorrow, so excited! check out pensive online. indy = love.

ok, i am officially scared out of my mind. i have been super dizzy for the last few months and it has gotten worse in the last few weeks. so, i finally sucked it up and went to the doctor. she asked me questions and did some preliminary tests, then decided to have me go for bloodwork. i have been tested for diabetes before and was scared that's what it was. well, dr. wren called me this morning and told me my blood sugar is fine. as is my bad cholesterol; she wants to to raise my good cholesterol with regular exercise, which i need since i'm a fatty anyway. well, she took me off coffee & consented to let me drink decaf. yay! but i still have to drink lots of water. blech. BUT the scary thing is that she cannot figure out what in the world is wrong with me. so, she's making me go for an mri. i have never had an mri in my life and im nervous. she said she doesnt think it's anything neurological but she wants to rule out any "big icky" stuff. so, im nervous. it scares me that not only do i have no idea what's going on, but neither does she. and now i have to go for this big scary test. im making sarah take me so that i can have some moral support. i am freaking out.

i hate when people say i am close minded because i dont share their opinion. doesn't that make THEM close-minded? i dont condone gay marriage, and you do, and I'M the wrong one? you will beat me up because YOU are right, and I am wrong? look up the term close-minded. and hypocrite while you're at it,

 i have been talking politics at work lately, and i actually understand things this year. ok, that's mostly thanks to sarah, but still. we were talking the other day about how some people zero in on one sect of society and just bash the living daylights out of them. like homosexuals, ethnicities, and christians. this country was founded on christian principles; the pilgrims ran away from false religious persecution in england. they started a christian country that has since strayed from it's founding. and it's inevitable that it would be that way, since man is fallible. but in current culture, if you choose to accept and have faith in what the Bible says is true, you are persecuted for being a close-minded uptight bigot. and there's no escape. there is no new country to run to and find sanctuary.

and this seeps into politics. today, if you're under 30 and not a democrat, you must be a psycho. guess what-- i'm not! i am conservative in my beliefs because i care about the road my country takes. the democrats running this year scare me. hillary for obvious reasons. she is a man-eating volatile powerhouse socialist. (ps, marxism didnt work, and socialism is an offset of marxism. do we want to end up like russia? or china?). And Obama scares the living crap out of me. and here's why-- i think he is one of the most deceptive people i have ever encountered. he's charming and smooth, saying all the right things and smiling and winning hearts-- but! who is to say he wont lead us down the exact wrong path for us? i do not trust him. he makes my stomach churn because i just don't know how to trust him. have you ever met someone like that? it would be like a woman who married a charming man who made her feel like a princess and promises her the moon and stars, then once they are married starts beating the crap out of her and using her. we don't condone that in our country, but we will condone it in politics? im sure obama has his good points, but i think he is power-hungry and deceptive as all get-out.

now, the republicans aren't all that much better. romney is a mormon, and mormons frighten me. i dont want a cult participant running my country. and mccain is a creepy little man. he looks like a cannibal. the only one i have any hope for saving and leading our country is huckabee, who really stands as much of a chance as a snowball in hell.

i'm afraid of where this election will lead us. i honestly am considering moving out of the country to avoid the fall-out.

today, i found myself at work talking about a friend i had when i was four. his name was Gabe, and he was my best friend in the whole world, not to mention my only date. i told my workers stories about how i got put in time-out for going into the bathroom with Gabe (i was 4, i didnt realize he was a boy & i was a girl and that mad us different). i told them about going to Jester's Courtyard at Burger King (old school, i know, but we didn't have Chuck E. Cheese's) and Gabe playing arcade games to win me a rainbow-heart bracelet. i told them about the night he moved away, how i got his toys (including a bubble mower) and he hugged me goodbye. i told them about the christmas card i got the next year from him, telling me he loved me. i told them how i dream about finding him again, because i know we were meant to be friends for life.

sometimes it's really hard to remember people. it stirs up the heart to think about the way things were, when life was simpler. to remember how easy it was to laugh when your shoulders were burden-free. but today it just made me think-- what would my life have been like if Gabe had stuck around? or my dad, even? (for those you who who don't know me well, my father died when i was a year and a half)

would i be a Christian?
would i have the same interests i do now?
would i have gone to the same college?
would i still live in South Carolina?
would i have followed the same path many people i graduated with took?
would i have married Gabe?
would i know the wonderful, amazing people i know now?

So many small changes in life can change it's entire course. one decision can make or break a future. one person can knock your world upside down.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm grateful for the people in my life. i'm grateful for the opportunities i've had in the life. and i'm grateful that God certainly knows better than i do.

i feel so relieved now. i have been trying and trying to get through to someone and i think i finally did it. i think things are going to be better now. i could cry tears of pure joy because this has been killing me.

i've been feeling like writing poetry lately. no clue why. i'm a bad poet. i chickened out on novel writing month. i'm 7 days behind and i have no desire to catch up. i'm lazy.

jackie's in greenville now. it's wonderful to not have to call her a million times if i want to talk to her. i can see her face to face now. yay rah.

i can't explain why, but today i feel like there's a weight pressing down on my chest. a weight on my heart i can't get rid of. a melancholy cloud looming overhead waiting for the right moment to strike.

life is dismal here, as is always the case. today, though, i got to hang out with one of my favorite people in the whole universe. it was great. we had a good talk. it really showed me a lot about him. great kid. i wish more guys were like him; not that i would ever marry or even want to date him (he's like my brother, for real), but he's a great kid, lots of great qualities more guys need. like honesty. it's refreshing.

work is still sucking the life out of me. the only thing that keeps me going is getting to have 2 days off each week.

i cleaned up my room this week; it feels weird to have so much room to move. i was getting used to feeling like the walls were closing in on me literally. :)

nothing else to say. like joy, i finished heroes season 1 and now i need to work on season 2 online. um, yeah. life is boring.

Not my favorite song on the cd, but i do love it <3

"Great Divide" by Hanson

The earth is shaking under siege
And every breath will meet is fate
Still we hunger for a moment of freedom
Even though the hour is late

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide
 

When every eye is one the fortune
It can only breed contempt
They say blood is thicker than oceans
Still we box our brothers in

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide

Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo ooo
Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo ooo
Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo ooo
And we're gone
And we're gone
And we're, holding on
And we're, holding on
And we're, holding on

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide

Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo ooo
Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo ooo
Whoa, ooo, ooo, ooo ooo

today i went into to work at 6 am. same as almost every wednesday. but today, we had SO MUCH TO DO. like, three days' worth of work to finish in one. AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! last night was like this too, and we pulled it together at the very end.

well, my girls can only do so much. they worked as hard and fast as they could, but they did not get to doing the 195 pans of pizza we had to put on pans. that's 3 hours of work and they had to leave to go to classes. well, i decided to skip starting the pizza and have them do all the other peripheral jobs so the afternoon crew would only have the pizza.

my girls were AMAZING.

they got everything done that we could do-- literally, there was nothing else they could have done in the time they had b/c certain things were not in the building.

well, i tell my co-worker about the pizza and she's fine with it. she'll get it done, no big deal.

then she starts. like she ALWAYS does.

i found her in the basement throwing a hissy fit because my girls had left their trash down there. but she would need a trash rack, so it should not have been a big deal. but she's going on and on about how i don't run MY crew right, because MY girls are terrible and messy, but HER girls never forget. HER girls always pick up. HER girls are f*ing perfect.

that was the straw that broke the camel's back. i was PISSED.

here i was, getting my girls to do all the work to make HER day easier, and she's chewing ME out.

i wanted to tear her eyes out.

later, she yelled at me for doing something i had never done before. no, it's not the safest thing, but i don't SUGGEST it to the girls. i have seen them do it but noone's ever come out and told me it was wrong to do. she's getting mad at me for doing it. and telling me that i need to hear it from someone since i wouldn't take it from her.

I WANTED TO KICK HER A** FROM HERE TO ISTANBUL.

NOTHING i do is good enough. EVERYTHING is wrong. i could do EVERYTHING perfect and get it all right and she's find SOMETHING to b***h at me about.

i hate my freaking job.

my mom called today and told me that my uncle tom is not expected to live through the day. my uncle brian is trying to get out there to say his last good-byes, but he may not make it. i pray he does.

i didnt realize how much it would affect me. i even cried a little-- and i'm not close to my family. i just know it's a hard thing to lose someone.